Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
