I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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