I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
