be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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