I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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