god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
