Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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