My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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