every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I am available for nakedness
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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