the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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