Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
