well I can't set my house on fire every night
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
