You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
