You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize