he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
