Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just tell him i said nine months
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so let's talk penis.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
