FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
