so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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