just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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