Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
