I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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