I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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