I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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