a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
