I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize