Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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