she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
