i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
