He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
