shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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