If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
