Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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