Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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