he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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