My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize