Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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