On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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