im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
