When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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