I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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