the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
