I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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