Betty ford says i'm here all night
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
