you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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