this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
