On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
