If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
