Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
