I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
