Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
