and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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