I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
