We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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