my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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