so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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