I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
