he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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