Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
