: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
