marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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