At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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