Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
high people should be assigned attendants
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
