I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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