I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
