guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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